When I was younger, the smallest things could forge a friendship. “You have a trampoline?!” I’d notice excitedly, “I like to jump! Can I come over?” Later, in college, where everyday partying was de rigeur, all of one’s friends were made partying. The type of partying one adopted automatically dictated one's circle of friends. The whole getting-to-know-you charade was condensed into a mere minute's worth of details: “You like spraying champagne on girls at clubs? You’re my boy blue!” or “You like 2 dollar rail drinks at the campus pub? You are my brosepher for life, man.” Or of course, my all time favourite: “Want to bust this party and go back to my place and smoke?” The other day, when asked how I had met my best friend T, it pained me to admit that I’d met her in a (rather snowy) handicap bathroom stall…at a club called Spank. Not my finest moment, I can assure you, but then at the time- fuck yeah it was a legit basis for a lifelong friendship!
It’s no surprise then that when Facebook dropped down from the veritable heavens in the spring of my junior year- our networks filled up with these sorts of people. The kind with whom you share a drink at the campus pub at noon on a Wednesday. The people who give you their notes because they think you’re cute. The people who you booty call at 5 am, only after a rigorous bout of dance dance revolution at the afterparty. People who serve as a very painful reminder to you, years later, of the waste of space you were for the 4 years in which you were enrolled in University.
This is not a passive reminder either- what really gets me is that these random people I used to call my friends now inundate me with the details of their abhorrently boring lives via status updates. These inevitably read something like this:
Boy is….someone took my purple Versace coat at that party last week and I swear to god I am going to track you down and kill you if I find you. And No I’m not gay in case you were wondering.
Boy is was wondering who the hell these people are who think this is an actual recession you fucking liberal commie mother$%^*&! This is just normal market fluctuation! Look, read this link it will explain everything: www.who-gives-a-fuck-you-wallstreet-douche-.com
Girl is looking forward to going to London and having copious amounts of sex with my sweet, loving boyfriend ILOVEYOUBABYYYY cant wait xoxo
Seriously, this is too much information. I have a lot going on in my life and I would appreciate if you didn’t heap on the added pressure of deciding wether to axe you as my fake friend or not. I am pleading with you to stop. I know you can’t stop existing entirely, even though that would be wicked awesome. But just stop updating your status, please?! Because I can’t take it anymore. Leave me the fuck alone. I don’t care where you are going on vacation, I don’t care what exam you have just passed, I don’t care where you got into business school, I don’t care what you think about current affairs, I don't care what party you are attending tonight (as long as I'm not at the same one), I don't care that you are using your status updates to draw attention to yourself because your ex has forgotten about you, I just don’t care about you, plain and simple.
Unless, of course, you wanna go back to your place and smoke afterward. Then I'm fairly certain something can be arranged.
Keep it real,
Girl
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