Men to Avoid (in NY) - Part I of XXMMCV

I’ve always hated the saying “you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.” It’s brutally cliché, utterly detrimental to your reputation if put into practice and most importantly a total waste of energy. However there is some truth to the matter – as a wise man once told me relationships are a lot like doing the dishes: a rather endless cycle of lather, rinse repeat, until “ok this is tolerable” or perhaps “wow this is actually rather nice.” The thing is, in New York, dating isn’t really like doing the dishes. It’s more like scrubbing an obnoxious risotto pot where the rice is so crusted into the bottom of the fucking pan that you’d prefer throwing it out altogether than scrub it clean again (even if you did waste like 210 dollars on it at Sur la Table). In short, the memories of the disasters always stick. Worse, if you’re as lazy as I am and categorically refuse to date uptown (or more specifically, above Chelsea on the Westside and Union Square to the East) chances are you will run into your former paramours again, and again, and again. Ad nauseum.

As such, recounting highlights of run-ins and freak behavior has become quite the parlor game. Every girls’ first words in conversation, before even throwing her oversized Miu Miu down on the brunch table, are inevitably “You will not BELIEVE what Blabbity Bla did last night.” What follows is usually a tail so freakishly awesome, it would be entirely unkind not to share.

And I’m not unkind dear readers, nay, I seek to serve a greater good- to warn the innocents (all 65-97 of you on a given day!) of the harrowing characters lurking in their cellphones, soon to be inundating you with invites to their summer homes of ill repute and excellent muffinery.

Our first top 6 list of men to avoid comes from Winnie de Wouse, a darling Upper East sider.

In her own words:

1. Winthrop -the "boyfriend" who hid me away so he could play footsie with Mitzy von Muffling. A TOTAL tool who forgot Valentine's Day year after year and reserved his true affections for Stella, the dog.

2) Rutherford-the ex lax player who pretends like his graduation from Harvard never happened and continues to LIVE THE DREAM

3) Peter- the ex FBI AGENT who drives around in a scary Mercedes and stalks people. Retains a serious hatred for thongs and prefers white granny pantaloons on all his girlfriends, if you can call them girlfriends. (K seriously, there is NO excuse for that)

4) MH-the baboon whose only talent in life is throwing girls 10 feet in the air when “Oh What a Night” comes on at Martignettis. (Ed Note: But that’s a pretty great talent?!”)

5) George the Gopher-did we mention that he has grey hair and wears tennis shoes to work?!? Need we mention he's been 29 years old for about 30 years now?

6) Westville Robinson- sports Whales on his pants and has striped CK Bradley curtains, need we say more?!?

Actually, we need say more.

Recommendation:

Any such encounter with footsie playing, thong hating, keg tapping, tennis shoe wearing, striped curtain toting varieties are to be aborted immediately. No exceptions.

Unless perhaps you’re in for a good time on some frattastic furniture- in which case # 2 is like, totally your guy.

Ever Yours,

Girl

** Please note that in some cases names have been changed. We assure you however that they sounded that ridiculous to begin with.