Reverse Ugly Duckling Syndrome

Everyone is well aware of ugly duckling syndrome. A fat, brace-faced child blooms into an attractive adult and, not being acccustomed to the positive attention, exemplifies that elusive mix of hotness and humility (personified here as requiring minimal adjustment to one's already drafted NYT wedding announcement). What happens, however, when the opposite occurs? When one is preternaturally robbed of the attention and positive reinforcement that only really attractive people get on any sort of normal basis? I'll tell you what happens: they become Evil.

Consider the following evidence:

The young Charlton Heston: Actor ; Hot. To. Trot






The Old Charlton Heston: President of the NRA. Friend of G.W.Bush; Evil.




The Young John McCain: All American Good Looks; War Hero

The Old McCain: Proponent of Occupation; potential for Lots More Evil if wife loses her good looks as well.

The Young Imelda Marcos : Gorgeous, seemingly innocent

The Old Imelda Marcos: Obscene collection of shoes an insult to poverty of the people over whom her husband is dictator; Evil

Given the breadth and obvious depth of this analysis, I would argue that people who are exceptionally attractive in their youth have dangerously high chances of becoming evil that must be addressed immediately. No need to thank me, really, but essentially I've found the essence of evil: Ugliness. And further, I propose the following as measures to help people retain their hotness:

1) Lowered costs of plastic surgery

2) Governmental subsidization of personal trainers and gym memberships

3) Rebates for people who can effectively prove that they are hot.

4) Fractional rebates if you can prove that your kids are ugly and have potential to become hot later on in life

These are only a few suggestions, naturally; but I strongly believe they will have the intended effect of ridding the world of evil in my lifetime and yours.

Won't you help a poor housewife have her face lifted? Or sponsor a young actor to look good in a toga for the next 12 months?

Small measures make a huge difference; let's help eliminate Reverse Ugly Duckling Syndrome entirely.