If Gordon Gekko were around today he'd be on the cover of VF preaching "Green is Good"

This whole going green thing is getting a little out of control. I'm not saying global warming isn't a "real" phenomenon and that I shouldn't be separating the Grey Goose bottles from the old issues of Vogue that comprise the bulk of my trash, but all this other stuff is driving me batty.

Consider energy saving toilets; if I wanted a toilet that couldn't handle the "detrimental" effects of toilet paper, I'd move to Europe where all the toilets are unintentionally this fucking weak and probably a lot cheaper to boot. "Organic cotton underwear" is another one- I quite like underwear that is spun from years of one Nepalese caterpillar's hard labour- it gives me the extra oomph i need to get through the day. And I can't even get really started on sustainable lightbulbs- mostly because I don't change them, the doorman does. And something tells me that despite the ever resplendent smile he's got on, he couldn't care less if the world were going to hell in a hand basket.

Given how outrageous the demands of this whole eco-sustaining organix purification of a mess we've gotten ourselves into, I really shouldn't be surprised then when the demands to go green become increasingly ridiculous. But lo, they have.

From this morning's Shopbop, (a luxury fashion website I bought a singular pair of shoes from, that now spams my inbox on an hourly basis) we get the latest in Declarations of Green: A lookbook of styles that I wouldn't wear at the threat of going naked. Drapey dresses paired with dirty converse, headbands worn across the forehead hippy style, shorts paired with ratty tanktops and vests of varying colors and homogenously hideous fit. It was as though someone rounded up all the dirty looking girls on the lower east side and promised them a line of coke if they could just sit still long enough for the molestor behind the lens to take their photo.

As if the visual onslaught didn't suffice, ShopBop introduces their green store as follows, heralding the likes of "This season's designers who used their creative powers to ease the burden on Mother Earth, bringing us sustainable styles with a couture sensibility and artsy totes that make plastic totes looks positively passe."

All I have to say is, thank you fashion gods, for smiling with such sweetness upon your clueless children, forcing the hobo sensibility down my fucking throat in your effort to capitalize on the whole green trend.

I really don't have many important things to think about on a Monday morning, except for perhaps retaining my clients, but lets be honest, thats not important. Not as important anyway as my buying your "organic cotton" 90 dollar t-shirt that provides about as much coverage as a Hanes undershirt after being taken to with a hose (Guys love boobs anyway! It's a net net win).

Furthermore, I am forever indebted to you for telling me how passe grocery bags are!! I always knew that guy at the supermarket who just automatically assumes I want plastic (even though i like totally would have asked for paper!) was trying to ruin my look. I think an artsy tote would set off my french cuff shirts and pencil skirts rather nicely anyway.

Anyway in short, thanks for saving me from being such a has been. And thanks to all companies that unleash these hideous goods onto the marketplace so that I, ever the "responsible" yuppy, may be forced to consume them.

I hate you all.