Small Town Theory

In the art of war, Sun Tzu expounds on the importance of Isolation. If the enemy can be sunk into a valley surrounded by mountainous and harsh region, ever the better with regards their imminent takeover.

Women know this. This is why they convince their boyfriends to take jobs in shit cities with unattractive people and no nightlife. It pretty much guarantees isolation; isolation which can hopefully be parlayed into boredom, resignation, and subsequently, marriage.

I pretty much thought the only women who had to resort to this behavior were ones who really couldn’t cut the mustard (even though I know a lot of these women and always secretly felt bad for thinking this about them). Boy was I wrong.

This morning, as I was looking through the party pages (as I’m wont to do when hungover and “working”) I came upon it. A picture of my friend’s ex and arguably one of the most popular models of our day, entering a benefit. He, ever resplendent in black tie, had the smug look of a man whose breeding trumped her beauty. And she, hair thrown atop her head playfully, was an insult to the Vogue editors who had spent hours in hair and makeup to achieve the same look.

Clearly, I did what any girl would do and right clicked, saved, and attached that shit before I could even take my first crucial sip of vitamin water. “You didn’t say he was dating -----?!?!?” I wrote to his ex, “See attached.”

She replied that not only were the 2 indeed dating, and not only had she moved into his New York flat, but that she was begging him to move out to Connecticut for “her dog”. Now this made me take pause. What’s a model going to do in Connecticut? I mean I know she did a few Tommy Hilfiger ads but she doesn’t really strike me as the golfing or sailing type. Was she really such a selfless lover of animals that she would give up life in a Manhattan duplex so that little Rusty could run around in the grass?

Then it hit me. I live in this guy’s neighborhood and I’ve never seen her walk the dog. I’ve never seen the two of them sitting on a park bench, playing with the dog. In fact, I would wager rather heavily that she values the preservation of her manicure over even petting the damn thing. It was glaringly obvious that she simply wanted to isolate him to Connecticut- where all the competition is either preggers or pumped full of low grade botox. Even she had to resort to the lure of the small town theory.

And that is when it really hit me, more than those pictures in US magazine where actresses with big boobs are pumping their own gas or buying groceries:

Models, they’re just like us too. Only still considerably more attractive and all that.