1. Cupcake, Babe, Kid…We’re (presumably) not dating a 66 year old sugar daddy so we’d (again, presumably) rather not be affectionately referred to like a 33 year old Escort.
2. We know how to smoke a cigar. Reminding us not to inhale is like telling a kid with braces to stay away from corn on the cob.
3. It sort of creeps us out when the i-pod docked conveniently on your bedside table is pre-tuned to your Let’s Get It On Mix.
4. It creeps us out even more when your Let’s Get it On play list begins with Soljia Boy’s “Superman”.
5. We don’t buy the “I’m socially liberal but fiscally conservative” argument- in the end we know you’re Republican. And that's fine, just don’t bring it up over dinner…or come to think of it, anywhere.
6. Be totally charming to our friends, but be sure to say something questionable (really, it can be anything) which they can refer to, only after we break up, as proof that you were “actually, like, kind of a prick”.
7. If you need inspiration, look no further than number 5.
8. We don’t know who taught you to follow up negative observations with “Yeahhh, but you know you like it.” If we liked ‘it’, we’d be dragging you by your collar into the broom closet, not staring into our vodka sodas mumbling about how you’re being an ass.
9. Girls like to be thanked for random things, nothing serious, just the usual “Thanks for letting me pick you up and take you to a dinner that it took 8 weeks to get a reservation for, after which I took you out for copious drinks, after which I walked you all the way home and you gave me a half assed kiss because all you really wanted to do was go up stairs, take off your heels, and dive head first into bed. The fact that you sat up straight and kept breathing throughout, well that means the world to me.”
10. We go to the bathroom together because we're doing coke.
Ok, I stole 10 from Sara Silverman, and it’s not really true. Except for half of the time, when it is.*
*Present company excluded.
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5 comments:
Re. 5
I get that we can't be Democrats since we question the wisdom of certain monetary field trips through social planning. However, since you have to swear on a stack of Bibles that you would commit infanticide before an abortion these days to get into the Republican tree house that really does leave many of us politically homeless.
P.S. - I guess now would be a good time to thank you for not deleting my comment immediately and allowing me to say embarrassing things in public on your blog.
Au contraire, your admission of political homelessness is endearing. ; it had the immediate effect of my wanting to procure you soup.
And I already used up my random 'thank you'. If you were going to get me soup and a spoon I would feel really bad at spending that so frivolously.
Other than number one, I didn't know any of that. Wonder if it applies to women out here in Phoenix.
Finn,
Not even number 5? Let me know if you need a second installment...
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