Gmail, You're an Asshole

Gmail, I’m pretty upset with you. It started this morning- mid g-chat with numerous random characters, you logged me off. In a few cases, I’d barely eeked out a greeting before you so rudely snatched me offline. It was like I dropped a bomb and ran. In other cases, friends were still “typing” (I know this because you tell me when they are typing, you clever little fuck), which is even more asinine, because now they’re thinking I’m all, “Listen, I know that you’re responding to my “I’m so bored” comment, but on second thought, my boredom is still preferable to hearing out what you actually have to fucking say. So go to hell.” Gmail, that’s not the kind of message I like to send to the various coworkers, random internet personalities, and the odd actual ‘friend’ that comprises my g-chat buddy list. I don’t know how you were raised, but when I learned how to conduct myself on the interwebs, that would not have been okay.

Then it got worse. You started getting distant, erroring out when I’d try to respond to an email. Then, in a fit of regret, you’d send out duplicates of some of my emails to make me look like a psycho stalker. I can’t deal with how you’re like totally normal one second and then you turn around and act like this, sometimes I feel like I’m not with an email server, I’m with a child.

I mean, you know me I’m usually chill as fuck, so don’t interpret this as me being crazy or anything. But you’re being an asshole.

It’s true! Don’t deny it. Ever since I started voicing my concerns this morning you just totally shut down on me. Now my log-in doesn’t even work anymore- did you change my log-in without telling me? Is this how it’s going to be? You could have at least given me the chance to get some shit out of my inbox first.

Scratch that, you are such a fucking asshole.

You’re not even synching with my blackberry anymore! Remember how you used to synch so well with it at first? Baby, that’s part of the reason why I started loving you. I don’t know that I ever stopped. Don’t you sort of feel the same way? Come here and I’ll remind you.

Fine, you know what, I’m not going to try anymore. You clearly don’t realize how much you’re going to miss all my pointless g-chat convos and emails detailing lascivious exploits that YOU WILL NO LONGER BE A PART OF. My outlook was always more reliable anyway, it pains me to admit my mom was right.

Just do us both a favor, okay?

Forget you ever knew my password.