The other day I recalled an experience taking a friend’s now ex-boyfriend shopping for her Christmas gift. After 4 hours spent exploring every inch of Saks, we’d mutually decided on a pint-sized Prada bag. It was small enough that the price tag wasn’t gasp worthy (for him), but appropriately Label-y to make her gasp (in more ways than one). In other words, it both fulfilled the needs of the giver and the recipient; It was, in all respects, the perfect gift.
“Whatever happened to that bag anyway?” I asked her.
“Oh that? I use it to carry old makeup now,” she replied in a fit of laughter.
“Ha! I thought his slash our taste was pretty nice!” I shot back. “Given after spending a whole day with him I was so frustrated I would have let him buy you a pair of Top Siders… but that’s besides the point.”
This quickly had us recalling all of the “tokens of affection” exchanged between them. First there was the “Please sleep with me” watch, followed by the “no really I meant it, its been 4 months you evil cipher- PLEASE SLEEP WITH ME” handbag. Then there was the “sleep with me in miami?” tickets to miami, followed by the “hey baby lets check out the rooms at the hudson” tickets to new york (note: the fact that the rooms are so small that the shower is essentially IN the bed are either a pro or con, we haven’t decided yet). This was obviously a guy whose generosity knew no bounds when it came to ensuring consistent lerrrrve.
This had me thinking about the last few gifts I’d received from the opposite sex. I must say that I felt rather odd admitting that the majority of them were all books, not because its not my favorite gift to receive (which it is) but because of the blank stares I get when I tell my girlfriends as much. Where was my “fuck me” watch? Because I’d totally lost that one my parents gave me for graduation and could have really used a new one at any rate.
“Oh honey,” my friend assured me “that means they see you as smart! That’s a good thing.”
It then being unanimously agreed that a book didn’t necessarily say “let’s get it on,” the question of what it did say got us thinking. Thankfully, Stuff White People Like sensed my anguish and recently posited rather brilliantly that:
“The ability to entirely craft the literary tastes of your partner is highly desirable as it reinforces your own impeccable taste and allows you to play a literary version of Henry Higgins.”
While I’d argue relentlessly that I’m no Eliza Doolittle and needn’t be schooled in proper English, I do agree that the desire to infiltrate the mind of the book’s recipient is a requisite characteristic of the giver. Herewith, I realized that I need only examine the central themes of the books themselves to crack the message behind them. Let me tell you readers, I think I learned more than I cared to:
1) Crime and Punishment
Focuses on the mental anguish and moral dilemmas of Rodion Romanovich Raskolnikov, who formulates and executes a plan to kill a hated, unscrupulous pawnbroker to seemingly rid the world of evil.
Translation: I don’t want to take you to another cocktail party wherein you admit to not having read this- it’s rather embarrassing. That said, did you notice I sprung for the hardcover?
2) Stumbling on Happiness
Gilbert's central thesis is that people imagine the future poorly, in particular what will make them happy. The advice Gilbert offers is to use other people's experiences to predict the future, instead of imagining it.
Translation: If you can actually fake liking this book for my sake then you’re really the mindless girlfriend I’ve always wanted. May I also suggest some Ayn Rand?
3) The Line of Beauty
A book about politics, homosexuality, the Conservative party and elite society. Basically there is a lot of coke and vivid recollections of anal sex.
Translation: Are you into the latter? Just getting an ‘intellectual feel’ on the matter.
4) Tiffany’s Table Manners for Teens
Translation: Ha. Ha. Thanks Dad, just in time for boarding school too!
As you can see, these seemingly innocuous tokens of affection are really sordid attempts to normalize, control, and coax me into pioneering dark territory. And I’m standing up to say I’m not going to take it anymore.
Gentlemen, next time you want to get a girl a gift, for the love of God steer clear of these pursuits. Nothing denotes your impeccable taste quite like a Cuisinart Food Processor m500, or perhaps a nice Dyson- you know, things my girlfriends will no doubt look on enviously. Thanks for listening.
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