A preliminary Guide to: The Phase Out

I've never been a big fan of the phase-out myself, but when executed correctly I have been convinced as of late that it can be a beautiful thing.

Just so we're clear, the phase-out is that oft used dating mechanism employed to dispose of someone who you always suspected was rather worthless (but dated anyway because you are bored and require constant stimulation). Those little things they do that struck you at times as charming, become anything but.

Example 1: The gentleman in question lets you buy him a beer; at first it seems charming and Dutch-like. You're a modern woman, one who went to school and got a money job and is ballerific to the extreme, i mean, it's cute to return the favor sometimes. Then you offer up the goods again, just to be nice the next time and he accepts. Before you know it you are in one of those horrific relationships that require not only that you look the part of a trophy girlfriend (an expensive feat I assure you) but actually have to contribute to the outings equally. This is an utter fail and grounds for immediate phase out-age.

Or consider example two: You decide to broach the topic of current affairs over dinner; he turns out to be not only conservative but dumb as rocks (one would think these two go hand in hand, and really I wouldn't oppose you if you did). This is grounds for brutal dumpage but I find that the phase out is a more charitable approach. Almost like adopting a Malawian.

Three: He goes commando and insists on lounging around on your couch- naked- and smoking a cigarette- after sessions in the stack. A girl's upholstery is precious and any man that doesn't recognize this is not worth his salt. Phase Out.

And so on and so forth.

The phase-out can be broken down into a relatively simple science.

For instance, one is encouraged to begin with excuses about work, (a particularly sweet move in this environment). A simple "Sorry babe, so busy today/this week/ forever!" works wonders. When the gentleman in question offers to come kick your boss' ass for caging you in like a rabid monkey, the lady must step up the phase-out. Cold and calculating, the move here is to cease response to all forms of communication. This will invariably beg messages akin to:

"Are you okay?"
"...."
"I JUST WANT TO KNOW YOU"RE ALIVE"
"You're a real bitch, you know that?"
"I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking, I'm just so worried about you."

Stay strong, lizadies. No one ever said the phase-out was all fun and games.

Even when he shows up outside your door with a guitar and a long stemmed red rose, with a song he composed for you titled "Your Love is a Disease" (worthy of another post but needless to say this DID happen), one must crack her door ever so slightly (leaving the chain ON) and re-iterate one's intention to phase the pursuer out.

Even if he cries and threatens suicide (and he will), don't relent.

And for all the pain and suffering that will be caused over the course of your Phasing Out careers, know this. 1 time out of every 10 this is performed, the gentleman in question will be trying to perform a phase out of his own on you. And there is nothing more satisfying than sharing a genuinely mutual contempt for the person you have been unenthusiastically boning for the last 2 months.

And this makes it all worth it in the end.

xoxo
Girl