No I'm not going to D.C this weekend, now would you kindly fuck off and leave me alone.

Dear Judgemental Friends and even more Judgmental Extended Family,

I am not going to the pre-Inauguration festivities this weekend. I'm just not. It's not for lack of seats offered on every mode of transport possible (seriously, private plane, bus, car, fucking motorcycle, you name it). It's not because I lack the funds. It's not because I don't know how fucking historic this is, okay. I just have no desire to get the hell out of dodge on the coldest day of the year and I would appreciate it if you left me the fuck alone.

I have no desire to withstand the estimated 2 million fucktards who will be swarming DC so that they might soak up the "historic-ness" they need to validate their existences. I don't define history by hearing overpaid actors speak and by seeing Beyonce shake her oversized ass on stage in the name of patriotism. Most of all, I have no desire to use a porta-potty, ever. This is why I also don't go to Lollapalooza, South by Southwest, or any other number of annoying collectives of people attempting to enshrine themselves in monumental importance.

I donated to the Obama campaign. Numerous times. I wrote pleading emails to friends and family to donate their support for him. Because I deemed him a superior candidate and exceptional future president, I woke up at 5:30 a.m. on November 4th and joined my fellow Americans in a line that went around the block in order to pull that lever in his name.

He was elected. I was elated. I toasted him. Now the true test of his presidency is ahead of us.

The Presidency is not a fucking circus, and I refuse to trudge down to D.C. with ballgown in tow for the sole reason that I need an interesting story to tell my children. I'm sorry you're so uncool as to require this.

Plus I have a facial booked tomorrow, and there's no way in Dante's 8th circle of hell that I'm cancelling now. They charge for that shit.

Kindest Regards,

Girl